Below are the top 3 unapologetic deaths that have not happened while playing Pokemon Go… yet.
Fast Food Worker Flash Fried To Death
One hot & humid July afternoon, Billy Maple was doing what Billy Maple does best – manning the fry station at the local McDonald’s making load after load of golden fried, goodness. One lunch break, things took a turn for the worst…
Coworker Helga Hucklebee had finally gotten her hands on an IPhone and heard a rumor that Pokemon was back and better than ever. With promises of fame & fortune that surely await the first soul to catch 150 of those little fuckers, Helga decided to get a head start on her Pokemon career, she decided to double dip on the clock; she decided to play at work.
At 3:17 PM a wild Snorlax appeared in the frier bin. Excited by the possibility of catching a fat & useless Pokemon, Helga decided to spring into action and catch the lumbering beast.
Tragedy struck when she “threw” the Pokeball, her fist connected into the back of Billy Maple’s head rendering him unconscious. Billy fell forward into frying bin that afternoon; he was fried alive and didn’t have time to scream.
Death By Porter Potty
Greensboro, North Carolina
Summer lovin’ turned into summer sorrow after a fatal dance with a Hitmonlee.
Bruce Banner had spent the day at a family reunion, drinking beer, catching Pokemon and eating tacos with family, friends and his beautiful fiancé.
Only later coroners would reveal that Bruce’s pursuit of the finer pleasures in life would be his demise.
Around 7PM the excessive amount of bean toppings Bruce had used on his Tacos had finally made it’s way down his digestive track; causing that familiar rumbling feeling…
Bruce needed relief and Bruce needed relief FAST. Fretting Bruce wondered the country side for what seemed like hours, each moment more worse than the last until relief washed over Bruce as he found his temple, (a green porter potty) shining in the distance.
As Bruce made his way into the warm afterglow of the porter potty, he turned on Pokemon Go and decided to sink into the comfortable space only a porter potty can supply. He suddenly became elated when he noticed his favorite Pokemon, a Hitmonlee appearing inside the pot.
A dangerous battle soon ensued, Pokeballs sailed through the air leaving a trail of destruction in it’s wake. At the climax of the battle, Bruce was rocking on the toilet when he rocked too hard and fell into the blue abyss.
Authorities are still looking for Bruce’s body and the whereabouts of the Shitmonlee.
Man Doesn’t Find Peace
Los Angeles, California.
Drunk on Fame and High on Pokemon, Ash Ketchup becomes the first soul to conquer and capture the entire Pokemon world.
Despite the high levels prestige and adoration that can only come with becoming one of the world’s Poke-elite, Ash fails to find inner peace despite catching all 150 of these motherfuckers.
Disillusioned Ash wonders the earth, end to end seeking asylum, & purpose until he decides there is no meaning left for him on this earth.
With clenched teeth and a flicker of a budding dream, Ash decides to build a rocketship so he can find a new planet with more Pokemon, better food, hotter woman and crazier drugs. As the rocket was ascending into orbit, a mechanical error caused to the rocketship to explode and Ash’s dreams to vanish; his body has never been found and his legend will never be forgotten.